After publishing a memoir about my dad's end of life (Daddy, This Is It: Being with My Dying Dad, 2013), I received an abundance of support from others who had experienced the loss of loved ones. Many sent poignantly precious memories and heartfelt comments. I was deeply touched and honored to receive the offerings of each new connection, and I began to feel like the "Keeper of the Stories." This feeling pointed me to a new purpose: to compile perspectives that inform others who support the dying and the bereaved. That work resulted in this book series, Journey's End: Death, Dying, and the End of Life.
I learned so much while compiling the Journey's End books. Here I will share three themes from these heart-led stories about the choices we make and the peace we seek as we prepare for the end of life.
- There is no time like the present. This statement can hold more than one meaning.
The first is that of being present. In truth, there is no time other than this "now" moment. The past is gone, the future is unknowable. To truly experience each present moment and know the peace that being present brings, let go of past and future thoughts. Being present is a gift to live and treasure, for yourself and for others.
Another meaning is that now is the best time to get ready for what will come later, whether you are ill, perfectly well, young, middle-aged, or of a ripe old age. Being in a state of readiness creates peace of mind. So, ask yourself:
- Am I ready for anything?
- Am I handling my most important stuff?
- Am I living my greatest dreams and purposes?
- Am I leaving a loving legacy for others?
- Being prepared helps us be at peace. What does that statement mean to you?
Preparation and peace mean different things to different people. For instance, it may mean:
- Putting your physical house in order, possibly marking or listing each item of importance with the name of its intended recipient.
- Carefully distributing your finances to each person and each purposeful cause you hold dear.
- Leaving a legacy letter to convey an inheritance of intentions, ideas, and ideals.
- "Going within" to prepare and accept life's inevitable end. Being ready in every possible way to meet death with a joyful spirit and a grateful heart.
- Taking a leading role as a spiritual anchor for other grieving hearts. Sometimes the dying one is most capable of this gift of spirit; other times another is most adept and at peace with the prospect of dying and death.
- Letting go of expectations to create greater peace. Accepting that you or your loved ones may not integrate a spiritual aspect of death at all.
- "Righting any wrongs" in your life, by saying what has never been said, or leaving it in writing if words come too hard to speak. Inviting loved ones to speak their own truths, asking their questions, and finding greater peace in that process. Feeling "complete" is a way of preparing to be at peace.
- Know your preferences and clearly communicate the kind of death and dying experience you prefer.
Being unprepared and undocumented leads to medical interventions and life-prolonging procedures you may not want. Thinking about dying and speaking of it with your loved ones are essential steps.
Do you have succinct and explicit living wills and advance directives in place? If so, make sure all who may be involved at the end of your life clearly understand your wishes. This includes family members, spiritual advisors, and health care professionals. Give them copies of your signed documents and update them whenever new options and specific choices align better with your evolving vision of your end of life.
To assure there is dignity and peace in your own dying process, take an active role:
- Ask for what you need and want.
- Ask what others need and want.
- Give and offer.
- Take and receive.
Death and dying are the final chapters of your life, and you play an important role. Choose that role with care. These are a few ways you can enhance your personal peace with forethought and planning in end-of-life decision-making.
